3ternal Dream3r

Task 1:What makes me smile

2008-05-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

Well here is my first blog participating in Jess's list of fun things to do when you're bored. and this task was to take pictures of things that make me smile. I will admit the first day i kinda forgot it was goin on and i decided that i'd get up the next day and walk around to search for things that made me smile (squirrels, rabbits and all kinds of fluffy creatures) but instead i woke up to this... yup rain...so i had to skip that day and jjust took pictures of things around the house. on the third day i woke up to...rain...again...but luckily it ended and i planned to go take a picture of the tennis court... but in the process of practicing my serve i got invited to rally with a stranger that was like 16 and better than me XD. in the excitement of the game i forgot to take a picture of the court sooooo i decided to settle for a picture of my racquet instead.. well the next thing that makes me smile is a video game called Disgaea, it makes me smile not only because of its gameplay and near infinite playability but because of it's adult humor. *clears throat*
Lil Kid:this zombie is my master piece i used *various parts of the body mentioned from various famous legends* the iron body of hercules and...a horse's weiner
Main Character:A horse's weiner?!?! everyone, don't let your gaurd down!
and the best part you can steal the horses weiner in the battle...nuff said. so i prolly lost this task due to lack of creativity and exceitment =(.. but i shall return!

I-Forgot About Intamacy and Love

2008-02-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

Oh well, here i am yet again with another borig tale of me being pwned in everyday life. oh well, i guess i'll always remember the story... but i'll give a brief over view, we wander around with nothing to do, play pool at UTD (We=J, M,and K) then we go to iHop, yay for pancakes and making me feel left out. don't really care, it's all bull shit, failure builds more, haha 100% fail and no one agrees except people who actually know me...100% fail. who's right and who's wrong no one knows, all i know is that i feel pretty bad, not gonna go away, i love the ability to not have to think about it, would be nice just to go to school and come home and do work everyday, but that's not realistic...i could tell them that i don't wanna go anymore, but that would just cause me to lose friends... but then again if it's that bad wouldn't that be for the best? sounds great to me,i'm fine doing homework bymyself right?

Uninstal life.exe?

2008-01-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

Before I start on what's been going on lately, i would like to address the fact that i read over some of my old messages and I was just wondering..."WTF was i thinking?" lol, i actually liked a person so much I pleaded for them in a online blog? really? oh well what's done is done, i kinda forgot it happened and i moved on but wow i wish i had the energy to change em....no point though, gotta keep real records of how i felt and such, you know for the memories and all that junk.

Welp, let's see it's been a while since my last entry...the start of last semester long... anywayz from what i can remember it was an ok semester, my english class was harder than average i think, but i got a B. what made it so hard was the fact that after a while we had 4-5 page writting assignments due EVERY class period and it was tiring. got an A in psychology nothing to say about that class except people can be annoying sometimes. and then there was speech class with Mr.Santos, was a fun class and the people were all nice, my favorite class of the semester in it's material and it's atmosphere. anywayz though enouh of a recap, it's the first post of 2008 and i don't really feal any difference other than the fact that Bush is about to not be president no more, it's gonna be interesting to see the elections, i wonder who i'll vote for (Democrats FTW).well it's 08 and i still feel terrible and down, what did ya expect? inever think to come here when i'm feeling good lol. i took alot of classes this time around (5 for a total of 16 hours) and it's tiring since i don't get alot of time for myself since i'm on campus so much. I think the lack of sleep is contributing to me feeling so bad. i just feel so stuck...nothing i can do when i'm always so exauhsted for no reason...i wish i could sleep through the night...fucking internet...everything just seems so fucked up now. it feels like i hate the world and it hates me back. but i don't know which hate started first... i'm always the one left out and i feel bad that i rely my friends on so much since i'm usually always broke. My only option would be to sit alone, which wouldn't be so bad, but i know what i'd be missing which would hurt worse. I thought about the idea that i'd only be trully happy if i could live completely alone, since i hate dealing with other people so much wouldn't that be better for everyone? i can always dream that i'd be able to do that, but that won't ever happen and i don't think i'll ever learn to associate with others, there's just something about it that i hate...whatever though, can't really think of anything that ouwld make me happy, having my ego satisfied makes me happy, nothing more nothing less, all i care about is myself because myself is really all i have. I complain like there's something wrong but in truth i have mostly everything anyone could ever want and it's not enough, not the best and not the worst. even thought i often feel like the worst since i can't perform on par with the best fucked up ain't it? i'm strong enough to survive on my own but i complain because there is no one that can help in a way that i'd accept. no one can help, I am all alone and it's something i face everyday, "I always look forward as i move ahead in lfe because there's no one by my side." that's the jist of it...there's no point in me taking my eyes off my objective even if it's far off into the distance, other people my dislike me for it and maybe for good reason? don't know and i'm hoping the day comes soon where i can say i don't care and truly mean it. I don't feel like changing the way i am, i'm not all that bad to be around really i don't think, but even if i continue to fail, stummble and fall on my way to my goal...yeah, i'd quit trying more before i continued to fail...but hopefully i'll make it... never saying a word, and getting by haiting the world that rejects me while i sit in loneliness. atleast i'll be a lonely man with lotsa money hopefully... i want my dreams to come true and i hope they do, well atleast i made them a goal and not just wish. someday soon. well for now i guess i'll my life.exe's tast running, no point in terminating it myself lol, i wanna live a reasonably long time...but the loneliness might make me feel immortal.

A Loser Offline is a Loser Online

2007-08-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

Another weekend full of running around with my friends, i never realized how much i missed hanging out with them over the time was online doing stuff like War of emperium and leveling. it's nice to go out on the weekends instead of staying in the house. we went to 2 malls of over the weekend the first one is the one we always go to called Firewheel mall. We went to eat cause we were hungry so we went to a sandwich place. My freind strikes up a random conversation with the person taking our order which happens to be a cute girl about our age. It's so goofy and all i can doo is put my head down,put my hand on my head and shake my head at him, but of course she's smiling and talking back to him. i wish i could do stuff like that, but i'm too awkward.No point in making excuses, when ever i'm with my friends and their females all i can say is "i hate my life" but i say it more like i'm singing so they think i'm kidding, i get a cheap laugh and remind everyone i exist...it used to get funnier cause i would have a box cutter on my keychain and i would make the motion of my cutting myself,funny...but my dad took it as i noticed in the sandwich place as my friends and i ate,do i used my key to add to the visual effect...once again...funny. It really sux sometimes being in my group and not being able to participate in the conversation because the closest i've come to girl physically in about...4 years is walking past them in the mall...sad. it'd be nice sometimes to just be able to have decent conversation skills or something, even if i did have them i'd still move in my awkward way and still be all alone except for being surrounded by people that are leaving me farther and farther behind everyday. That's how i'mma loser offline,an awkward guy who can't do anything but turn and walk away or end up embarrassing myself for even trying, italways happens,prolly always will happen. you might think"You don't know everything, you have to try before you know you're going to fail" Wrong, fairy tail sayings don't work in real life,i know i'll fail simply because it's the way i am, i don't know what's wrong with me or how to fix it, but even if there is something wrong i wouldn't change it simply because people dislike me, then i'd be like the kind of person i dilike,changing with the time because others do it and it's convienient, i guess i'll go to bed alone,wake up alone, sit back down here again and let go of my lonliness for a while tommorow.How does this translate into me being a loser Online too? i fail at most things i try to do here too, it feels like everything i do for fun here i suck at/get owned/completely and totally don't grasp at all. it's all failure, it's annoying.my situation reminds me of a song...

Still Not Keeping My Word

2007-08-16T00:19:00.001-07:00

Took my Accuplacer test today got some nice scores on the regular stuff but failed the college level algebra horribly like i thought i would. so i can either take a developmental math class at the cost of my money and time or a second option of taking the test again, i personally prefer the second choice. taking the class would cost 117$ and retaking the test is 10$. but still that test raped me hardcore i just started to guess in the middle cause i knew i was gonna fail. got my classes after about a 6 hour day of testing and waiting.3 hours of tetsing and about 2 and half hours of waiting to sit with an advisor for 15 minutes. i saw some familiar faces though, 1 girl especially i was glad to see although at first i was scared of her. i was walking back to the registration hall after i had finished my test and i was looking down and thinking like i often do when i see a pair of legs in short shorts walking towards me,me being as scared of females as i am,i begin to get out of the way and continue looking at the ground until i glance up and see the legs directly in front of me and so i try desperately in a last ditch effort to move to other side of the walkway trying to avoid contact when we meet she finally talks to me with a "hey greg!" in a voice that's all too familiar. she used to live in my apartment complex *sighs* she's a beautiful girl there's no doubt, but i'm too much of a weird guy to have a chance with her, i guess she wouldn't even consider me...i'm an awkward clumsy guy,it's annoying.... anyways after i got my classes i was going home to think about how to get money for them and i looked at the paper to see when the money was due;and to my surprise and dismay it was due THAT VERY DAY. so i went back in and handed over 240$ for my classes and i will have to drop biology because it costs 156$ alone and i need to buy books.i heard that the psycology book was 100$ i pray to god that's not true. that's the highlighr of my day since i'm starting school maybe i'll update more frequently whenever something fun or exciting happens. c ya round my captive audience of 1-4 people.

I Never Keep My Word

2007-08-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

I said i wouldn't write here again after what happened but i keep thinking about how you asked me why i never write anymore. ya prolly dun remember saying it to me,and why would ya? XD. but anyways i just felt like writing about junk that's going on about to take my acuplacer test tommrow morning.(it's 2 am now i should sleep soon but not like i can pass anyway. atleast the math that is...) so i'm just gonna try and hope for the best. going for a bioology major, i wanna be a researcher that studys cancer, i don't know much about it but i figure i'm young so if i start early maybe i can make a big difference in my life time ya know. nothing much to tell besides that. well besides my random outbursts of "I hate my life~" when i'm around my friends, i'm so far behind them they're in school and have jobs ang females like them... and then there's me who has nothing to show since i've been practically dead for 2 years. i hate it...20 still acting like i'm 15 XD. sad eh? anyways. my mind is jumbbled right now still haven't solved the problem i asked you about earlier. i'm a terrible person i guess. fuck,it's all pointless,nothing i'm doing right now has a point...playing video games sleeping all day it's all junk. but then again i am just a dreamer huh?

FUCKING SHIT

2007-04-04T19:34:00.002-07:00

i'm too busy because of school to come online...i'm sorry for being a fucking bother to you.you won't have to worry about me talking to you anymore i'm fucking done. sorry for acting like i stalker i guess fucking bullshit.

haha why can't i die?

2007-04-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

*shrug* can't sleep, my head hurts from thinking too much and i don't feel like doing anything(my main problem in life) i'm sick of complaining when i have nothing to complain about but i still do it anyway.Sad about being lonely?(pffft, whatever it's just an excuse to feel bad i should be able to get over it) i can't seem to get over it, it's stupid,writing about how i feel doesn't help change anything it just let's me vent until the feelings come back and flood over me again. There shouldn't be any feelings like this in the first place, i'm lonely because i don't do anything about my loneliness it's a simple as that. it's my fault i'm so down and it's my fault that i have no one around me. shouldn't be a surprise though i've always taken care of myself... this feeling doesn't make any sense...my head is starting to hurt more and i still don't have anything to do, my thoughts are jumping around because it's late and i'm writing as i think so try and keep up if you want. it's not just loneliness that's causing this feeling, it's the feeling of knowing that i'm a nothing. i wake up and do nothing, walk around doing nothing, talk about nothing, think about doing nothing, it's a life of nothing, i am a nothing. but i can't just easily say "i want to die" dying isn't an option for me anymore since i'm here and people have raised me and i have to pay them back... not existing would have been nice...lol i'm less than nothing, i ruin lives...mainly my parent's lives. i was an accident i shouldn't have been born i've known this for a while but this is the first time i think i'm typing it. yeah, and now because of me all my parents do now is argue with eachother and work so that i can do nothing... pathetic...i bet that if i wasn't born they would have gone their seperate ways years ago and prolly grew up a bit more and found people they could both get along well with. yay me for fucking that up. a fuck up from the start and a fuck up all thourout my life. sometimes i'd like to die...but then i think about how i would feel at the moment right before i died...it would be a feeling of regret for all the things i haven't done yet, i should make the most of this life. but a fuck up like me just like to do nothing. everyone else will go on to bigger and better things especially you... i'll still be somewhere doing nothing...afraid to end it all and accept death as my punishment for wasting my life. *shurgs* being dead would suit a nothing like me perfetly anyway nothing i do would matter just like now, no one would pay attention to me just like now, time would go on and i'd be forgotten and i could sit in the afterlife all alone doing nothing without worrying about paying bills and such...or i'd burn in hell for being a nothing and an accident...knowing me i'd end up in hell. i don't want to go, that's the last place i'd want to go... but i haven't lived a good life, all i've done is nothing, kinda funny when i think about it...you live your life knowing that you're worse than nothing only to die and burn for eternity. only me lol. why am i the only one that has no one to support them... am i really that unlikable? am i that much of a pain to be around? sometimes i wonder if life is just one big joke and i'm the punch line lol. i have everything but nothing at the same time. i would like to die...or atleast something close to it...i don't want this feeling anymore, the feeling of being unwanted, abandoned, and alone. it's all so stupid...i won't kill myself because i'm too scared honestly, or is it because i'm brave enough to keep going? both are wrong, i'm probably just too lazy to kill myself like anyhting else i plan to do. i guess that's good. i lost my reason for waking up in the morning again...or come to think of it...i never had one...no i had reasons before but now my life is just full of nothing and no one. meaningless complaints of a meaningless guy this whole entry is stupid sorry if you read it all i know i can't give you the time back. but whatever it's all nothing...pointless words of a pointless person with pointless feelings.

ehhhhh?what's been going on i guess

2007-04-03T00:08:00.000-07:00

been chillin alot lately watching the prince of tennis and taking naps in the middle of the day then waking up and watching more prince of tennis. sometimes i hop on a new server i started called darkside RO and run around. i met a nice person on there named Saphire. she plays lotsa different characters and we started talking on msn and iwas telling her how i treat my girlfriend. and she said that my way wouldn't work because people are too complicated. and i thought about it and maybe i am too simple minded. there may be no simple way to make things work but i'd like to believe there is =/. but then again what do i know XD. i dunno what i'm even talking about anymore *sighs* i miss ya babe.

wow my life is ****ed up

2007-03-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

yeah,back again but i wish you'd leave comments so i know you're actually reading lol. anyway i found a new reason to hate my life today. my friend had sex right in front of me. yeah it's pretty messed up i know, we were drinking and then we went to my friend's manager's apartment and then they began to do it with our other 2 friends in the bed with them...i was left out only to wait in the living room or watch so i chose to sit on the bed and chill with them talking while they had sex. ****ed up or not?hmm sometimes i wonder if you've forgotten about me or if you even still care. i miss your words of encouragement and love if oyu have forgotten about me i know that i won't recieve anyhting back...it's ok if you don't have time to comment...just keep doing your best but please atleast comment comment this time ><.

feeling better but not the best

2007-03-27T22:45:00.000-07:00

yeah i'm feeling lots better than i did when i put in that last post, i forgot to mention i went on a trip with my friends back to their old neighborhood in arkansas(one state over) it took about 5-6 hours driving to get there. it was a pretty small town and we stayed in a motel and got to hike up a mountain, the view was great...it was nice to get away from everything for a while and just chill out. anyways i'm worried about you after reading your last post...i don't know what you're going through and i wanna be there to listen and share your troubles like i should be...and at time i know words aren't enough to make you feel any better. so i try my hardest at all times to think of you and send my love in hopes that it will keep you going. you should be strong and try your best to overcome your bad feelings without hurting yourself. the way you should look at life is that it can always be better and at the same time it can be a hell of alot worse, i think you can make it through i believe in you and you know i love you, so please get well and try and come see me when you're feeling down...i'll try my best to be there for you i miss you...

the usuall part 2:cry more

2007-03-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

well lately i've been feeling kinda down, well down doesn't wuite describe it. It's more like a digging feeling that no matter how bad i feel it get's worse and worse. it started at the movies hanging out with my friends and being a fifth wheel on their little outting without even noticing it until we were actually at the movies. the car ride should have been proof enough that the day was going to be nothing but people showing off their happyness while i did nothing but watch and crack stupid jokes about how lonely i was...yeah funny...any way this is part 2, bottom line is lately i've been hating myself. because all i want is to live a nice quiet life not doing anything...i think about a nice quiet place away from everything where i can just sit alone till my days on this earth are over. but that's not how the world works. as a young man i should be out doing thing to enrich my life and give me a way to live comfortably when i'm old. but if i did have that kind of life i'd miss out on alot of the things i want to do in life while i still can...i dunno...i believe that nothing comes to you if you don't work for it...and the thing i want most is to be able to have someoen to talk to when i feel down...i guess it's just loneliness, it's whatever...i go to sleep at night feeling so alone and it's probably because i don't go out much now. now i'll jump off the subject for a second and tell you partly about why i feel this way. it was late at night and we were chillin in front of my house in my friend's car. it was me and 2 of my friends talking about random stuff.one friend calls Jeff on the phone(the guy from the first post in the movies) and Jeff reveals that he is now sleeping with his manager. Jeff is 2 years younger than me, it jsut kinda sux is all...yup same guy that had sex with girlfriend in my bathroom, same guy that "stole" my last girl friend. umong other things...the list in endless...anyway he's the biggest example...well second bigest example of why i feel so useless and lonely. yeah i'm pretty useless...all i do is sit in the house all day and play RO and listen to music. it's all useless...yeah i have you too but i can describe the way i feel right now as the following. Imagine you're trapped in a really hot desert that only gets hotter hotter as time goes by.(yes i know it's hot year round where you live but imagine that it's unbearably hot) let's say that you are a bottle of water that's i always carry with me. but now that you're gone the bottle is empty and it keeps getting harder and harder to stand and keep going. having a bottle of water with no water in it is exactly how i feel...i have you but i can never talk to you and writting here doesn't really make me feel better...i'm useless...

The usuall

2007-03-10T00:30:00.000-08:00

today was a typical night out for me. my friend Jeff came over and we played capcom vs snk 2 for about an hour.(i won every match...poor guy)Then our friend Anna came over with her boy friend Angel and we went to the store where we got picked up by Jeff's co worker so we could go watch a movie. and here's the "fun"("fun" meaning bull****) part of the trip, Jeff calls shot gun and leaves me in the back with Angel and Anna(that bastard Jeff) anyway of course they're hugging and kissing and i'm looking out the window hoping they don't drool on me or something.anyway we get to the mall finally and buy tickets after a big hassle over what time we're going to see the movie. that gets settled and we go to the store that Jeff works in and sit in a massage chair(if i didn't love you so much already i might have married the chair <_<).>Anna>Me>Jeff>co-worker.(why me...) well they start going at it AGAIN but this time Anna puts her legs on my lap(troublesome...). so Jeff points out some seats farther up and me him and his co worker move to leave the Double-A's alone. well now the order is Jeff>Me>co-worker. and the movie hasn't started yet so we're joking around. and i'm like, "Damn i wish my woman was here with me ><, i'm the only one who has no one." Jeff goes just look to your right.(co worker is a female) and i continue to say i want my woman.and this continues until she's like fine then switch seats with Jeff. and i was forced from my seat so now the order was me>Jeff>co worker. we went to see 300 the best movie i seen all year or in a while.every now and then i'd look out the corner of my eye to see that the arm rest was lifted between Jeff and his co-worker and that she was leaning on him and at the end they were holding hands.(yeah yeah i know you don't wanna hear it but it goes without saying with all that's going on and what not i was pretty lonely to say the least).the movie ended and we left and Jeff got to drive his co-workers car for a bit until we noticed that the tire was smoking and we were scared it was gonna blow up or something O_O.the fumes made everything funny as we laughed and drove down the road. then we all got dropped off and i was back at my house playing RO and chilling alone in the dark like usuall. being alone ftw(not...)

nothin much

2007-03-08T05:22:00.000-08:00

was out with my friends last night. Spencer and Gerardo. and we were talking about all the stuff that happened over the years. nothing very interesting, just about the people we knew and they're downward spirals through drugs and run ins with the cops and junk. and about how they used to be really cool people. messed up, glad i stayed the same throught my life. but meh doesn't matter.what does matter is how ya doin?

iono...

2007-02-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

haven't updated in a while...hmmm...i said in one of my earlier posts that i'd share my history with some of the females i met XD...i don't have anything deep to say so i guess i'll tell a story...this story starts about 3 years ago i guess when i was in was in high school but it was spring break of my junior year. i'm a pretty lazy guy and it shows sometimes lol. anyways i was hangin out at the arcade in the mall like i always do on a saturday. I was playing some marvel vs capcom 2 like i always do which is in the back of the arcade and i turn around and see a girl looking at me. I hate it when people look at me especially this day since all i'm wearing is a pair of sweat pants a black t-shirt and a hat. so i think:"yeah i look like a bum now stop staring at me it's annoying." i'd seen her looking at me before but i never spoke to her on account of me not having many female friends. but on this day she decides to walk up to me and start talking. so we got the basics names,age(said she was 16 turned out to be 14...) anyways she gave me her number and i wasn't planning on calling her but i thought oh well might as well see... so i called 4 days later and we spoke for a bit and we saw eachother the next saturday. we started talking and stuff and it was fun i guess. the saturday after she runs me over to her friends and explains to them that we were now going out...(yeah that's how it happened i never asked for the troublesomeness that was comming my way) well fast forward to about march that year...she takes my best friend off somewhere in the mall and leaves me with her best friend to sit and wait...(her and him did stuff before but i trusted my friend to tell me if something went wrong hahahahahahahahahAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA...funny....) anyways they come back and i was like what happened? and they were like nothing... so i thought whatever. few weeks later i come to find out that while they were gone they were making out in the book store...after that i hated my best friend like wanted him dead hate...not because of what he did, hell he could have told me he did it and been honest with me and i prolly woulda gave him a high five. if a woman betrays the man she "loves"so easy then i don't wanna be with her nuff said. and being that we had known eachother since elementary school and her for about a few months we coulda shared her for all i cared.but he didn't and i wasnted him dead...or so i thought. one night we were walking home from the mall...i was acting like i was fine and i would tell him to his face alot that i wanted him dead after he did what he did and he knew i wasn't playing...but anyway we were walking home and we ran into a drunk guy that blocked our way so i stupidly started talking to him after that we started ta walk away and the man came up behind my friend and grabbed him and put a box cutter to his neck...i couldn't do anything but watch and my friend through the drunk man off and we ran. if that had went another way and something had happened to him what could i have done? the guy was huge and had a weapon and he could hace killed him all because i stopped... with that fresh on my mind i thought about all the good times we had andi forgave him since i almost costed him his life. i broke up with her after i found out she made out with him but took her back soon after...(biiiiiig mistake as i know now). well time goes by i don't even feel anything for her anymore i was just trying to use her, i didn't care what she did or who she did it to as long as she didn't let it bother what i wanted. (yeah it's a bad way to think another lesson learned though). well fast forward to around august school is about to start back and she's been cheating on me left and right AND on top of that she meets a new guy who no one likes AND for some reason he hates me. he would always talk shit about me behind my back and then i'd have other people tellin me what he said.(with this i was already smart enough to know that if someone talks about you behind your back it's because they're too scared to say it to your face) yeah i guess he was scared of me after she met him i guess she was taellin him all kinds of stuff (i forgot to mention she was two faced and would say one thing to one person then something completely different to another) well that's when all the stuff about me getting jumped started and he'd bring like 4-5 people up there and make it seem like they were gonna beat me down. i don't have alot of people that i have around me like he does because i don't need it if i got something that needs to be handled i do it by myself cowards need a pack all i need is myself. anyways i never got beat up and the last i heard pf him he was getting out of jail for breaking and entering. (funny huh? i'm worse than a guy who will probably be nothing but a repeat felon wooooooo) the moral of the story being...iono

Let's see?

2007-02-18T01:05:00.000-08:00

it's late i'm sleepy...i wanna go to sleep,just hopped on ta see if anyone was online but no one is so i'll update real quick.but this is a fun update i'll put down a series of questions and you put how you think i owuld react given the situation. let's see who really knows me hmmm?XD
for example if i ask:
EX1.What would Greg do if a dog started to chase him?
you respond
run away as fast as he could.
i'm too sleepy to think of anything funny but you get the idea so let's begin.

1.What would I(Greg) do if I got lost on an island

2.What do you think...on second thought i'm too lazy to think up questions more posts to come folks stay tuned i'm going to sleep g'night lol

My Love

2007-02-16T06:55:00.000-08:00

most of you who read this know that i go out with a girl named Jess and i lvoe her very much. the bad part as some of you may know is that we live about a whole world apart... we met on playing an online game called ragnarok online last year around march, at first we started off as friends who hung out with the same people and gradually we moved farther and farther away from them until it was just the two of us. from there we stuck together and gradually developed feelings for one another. we then started to play on another where we had our ups and horrible downs..well 1 down really XD but ut was kinda a big down. we split up for a while and got back together arround november and going strong =D. a friend was at my house recently and he saw me type "i love you" to jess and he says to me "do you really" and i reply simply "yup" and he goes "how do you know?" well at the time i was too lazy to explain it but i guess i will now. first you hafta understand my past history with females has been kinda bad. long story short they've all been for a lack of a better word jerkfaces nuff said(maybe i'll write some stories about it later).
anyways i made a comment about not having emotions earlier, cause from what i understand friend A cheated on friend B with friend C and friend B called my friend all sad cause friend A won't talk to her about why he's hangin out with friend C after friend A cheated with her b4. which has my friend all mad and i was said "people with emotions are funny" but i meant it like if someone did some shxt like that to me thay wouldn't matter to me no more XD cause it's obvious they don't care about me nuff said once again.i have emotions but they don't allow to me to do irrational things like chase someone who's cheating on me and gets mad when i ask them simple questions. anyways tho i love Jess because she's nice and when she's not mad at me for soemthing she good to me. she's easy to talk to and she plays RO(gamer girl <3). we have alot in common. One of the biggest reasons i'm so attracted to her is because she has good morals and if she's wrong she'll apologize and she'll forgive me if i do something wrong most of the time...sometimes?...well she apologizes =P. why didn't i find a girl here then? plain and simple most of them want the "bad guy" type from what i noticed or if not that, most i think have no sense of responsibility, like if they cheat on you all the time they would prolly blame me for not doing something right. *shurgs* i don't feel like dealing with all that it's troublesome, if i had the choice between a girl i could touch that was horrible to me or a girl i couldn't touch that was good i'd choose Jess obviously.What if i meet a girl that sees that i'm a good guy in the future? don't care, i already got the girl i love and will love forever i'll work hard so i can see her and be the great man she deserves... nuff said...

Peer Pressure?

2007-01-24T23:39:00.000-08:00

Ay s'been a while since my last post, sorry bout that. well today's entry is about peer pressure. well i was hangin out with my friends one day cause my friend Alfred wanted to go check out cam corders. while there we ran into my friend Sean, and we spoke to him for a bit then he told us to comeover to his house which was across the street from the mall. so we finish up at the mall and head to the his house.Sean lives on his own with 2 roomates only one roomate was home besides sean when we went and it was my friend Andy. Andy, Sean, and the other roomate went to a rave a few weeks back and we were listening to a cd one of the DJ's gave him as a sample, pretty good stuff. Anyway my friends Mitcho,Alfred and Alvin went to check out the gym in the apartment complex. I decided to stay with Sean and Andy as they told me stories about the rave and how fun it was. The typical thing people do at raves is take Ecstacy and that's not really my cup o tea. I'll go, I'll mingle, i'll prolly dance, but taking drugs isn't my thing. So Andy asked me if i went to the next one would i take some, i told him i prolly wouldn't and then he asked me why. i'm not the type of person that cares about alot of stuff, i believe that if a person wants to do something and it's not bothering me or hurting anyone else they can do it, but putting a drug like ecstacy into my system is a different story. This is a world of people who you never would have thought would ever even touch drugs are hooked on them the next day and i don't feel like being one of those people. nor do i feel like being the guy that dies just because he made a stupid mistake once. They gave me reasons that sounded something like, everything looks so cool when you're on it, and there's almost no side effects except that you'll be tired the next day. My favorite reason sounded something like...After you take it you'll feel more comfortable around people and you'll be open and you'll be the person you wanna be. and with those words my resolve of not taking reached an all time high. I also believe that i don't need a drug, pill,food, or anything else to be comfortable and make me who i want to be i choose to work and be comfortable and confident on my own. I'm just glad i am the way i am otherwise...

The Realist and The Dreamer

2007-01-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

I'm back with more thoughts on my mind,it's kinda late so forgive me if this doesn't come out the right way well here goes. In the past i considered myself a realist, not believing in luck, miracles, or anything else. Things were what they were in this cruel world nothing comes for free, just because you want something you won't get it and even if you work for it it's not 100% that you will get it, and if you can't see, touch, and hear something all at the same time then it must not be real.Up until last April i believed in all these things with all my heart. Well i met the woman that makes me feel the description of love i wrote in my last post, the only small problem is i met her online, it's small because i still met a woman that makes me feel this way and keeps my trust at the same time while not making me second guess my actions. the big problem for the realist i used to be is where she lives, she lives on the other side of the world in Malaysia. As my Feelings grew for her they gave rise to the dreamer. at the begining the dreamer and the realist fought. the dreamer only saw how things could be while the realist saw what things were. what the dreamer saw in how things could be is that there was a woman out there that he had connected with and loved with all his heart.
The realist would fight back with arguments such as how will you get there? where will you stay once you get there?
The dreamer looked at the points the realist had made and began to ponder the questions and at last he had found one. the answer was "it doesn't matter" the realist was confused by the answer and the dreamer began to explain.That even tho we were so far away we're still on the same earth only space keeps us apart they put men on the moon and now i can't travel a few thousand miles? all things worth having require work and a plan, so if i make a plan and work toward making it possible then you can do something as simple as crossing an ocean for the woman you love right? the realist had no real arguement against the dreamer. but since the dreamer saw more than what could be i guess i can't call that part the dreamer anymore, the dreamer saw what would have to be in order to make his dreams come true and with that said the realist and the dreamer settled their arguement and began to both see what would have to be done. I guess what i'm trying to say is that as my love grew i changed my way of thinking from a person that only believed that wohat i could touch and see was real into a person that believed feelings and bonds can be formed with just words and emotions alone and that's why i want to make my dream come true.

The Thing Called Love

2007-01-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

Today my topic is love. Love...a word that has gained many meanings over time yet, many people still claim to be in the same "Love" as their partner. What is Love really? an emotion that bonds people together forever? a feeling that makes us want to be with one person for the rest of our lives? is it even something that can be described in such a simple way? well to answer the question of what "Love" is i think you just need to ask yourself what you think it is. For example you're dating someone for a few years and you get bored of the same old same old and break up, but in the course of that year you began to feel what you would call "Love" for that person. Was it actually not "Love" that you felt for the person or is "Love" a fading emotion that comes and goes like a tide on the beach. It's up to you to decide. Anyways moving on to "Love" as it applys itself in the modern day.
In the US, in 2005 there were 7.5 new marriages per 1,000 people, and 3.6 divorces per 1,000, a ratio which has existed for many individual years since the 1960s.[1] As many statisticians have pointed out, it is very hard to count the divorce rate, since it is hard to determine if a couple who divorce and get back together in that same year should be considered a divorce, so there is in fact no predictive relationship between the two annual totals. Nonetheless, the claim that "half of all marriages end in divorce" became widely accepted in the US in the 1970s, on the basis of this statistic, and has remained conventional wisdom. Pollster Lewis Harris in his 1987 book "Inside America" wrote that "the idea that half of American marriages are doomed is one of the most specious pieces of statistical nonsense ever perpetuated in modern times."

As it says above nearly half of the marriages out of 1000 people ended in divorce. Is it a sign that "Love" is getting harder and harder for people to find, i kinda think so. I'm at home alot so I watch alot of T.V in the mornings i'm sure you people at home in the day time have flipped through and seen a talk show where men/women who claim to "Love" the person they were with must confess that they have infact cheated/have been cheating alot, and i ask myself... if you truly loved a person as much as you claim to then why would you go with another person knowing full well that it could put the relationship in danger. Which brings me to where i started off at, "Love" doesn't have just one meaning but what it means to me is a feeling that will never fade with time as long as your with the person you claim to love, it means that you won't do anything that you wouldn't want your partner to do in your situation, it means taking responsibility where you have done wrong and learning to correct yourself and grow for the person you love, it means giving forgiveness to the one you love that has done wrong in certain situations(I can forgive something the first time but after the second time I expect that the person knew what they were doing) in short I believe that "Love" should be the strongest emotion you have for a person and you are made better because you love someone. But i feel that seince people are socializing more these days and entering more relationships they often confuse what they feel for a person as "Love" thus they repeat the cycle of:"Single>friends>like>date>"Love">get bored>break up>Single" after a series of trips in cycle i believe one begins to get the sense that there is no one out there for them and that "Love" doesn't exist. When i compare myself to those people i see that i never was in that cycle and i never want to be because when you enter that cycle i think you begin to take people and relationships for granted in a way. Well iono just my opinion thanx for reading.

(No Subject)

2007-01-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

Some people call me Rock, some people call me Jaquan, most people call me Greg tho. nice ta meetcha readers and now on to what you been wantin ta read. As most of you know I'm an african american, I was born in New York City and now i live in Texas. I don't really fit in with other people of my race very well, not at all actually, but i don't mind because you should hang out with people you get along with not just because they look a certain way. It's a messed up thing to feel rejected by "your own people" because of the way you act and talk and then be rejected by others because the way you look. Even with the people i know now i have to put up with comments such as "but your black man it's in your blood to..." and that's what my "friends" say. One day i was walking down the hall and this girl was talking to her friend and goes"that's why you hang out with that white boy over there" and she points to me. i kept walking tho, i'm not the type to start anything over something so trivial. Being a "Racial Reject" like me i guess has it's good things as well, i figure that if people could stop worrying about what a person looks like and give them a chance because they are a person, not because they are white, black, red, or yellow. I do what i do because it's what i like to do, not because I'm black, or to prove something to someone, or to gain false respect from my peers. I am what i am, not because of what i look like but because it is who i choose to be. thanx for reading hope ta see ya back soon, peace.