haha why can't i die?

*shrug* can't sleep, my head hurts from thinking too much and i don't feel like doing anything(my main problem in life) i'm sick of complaining when i have nothing to complain about but i still do it anyway.Sad about being lonely?(pffft, whatever it's just an excuse to feel bad i should be able to get over it) i can't seem to get over it, it's stupid,writing about how i feel doesn't help change anything it just let's me vent until the feelings come back and flood over me again. There shouldn't be any feelings like this in the first place, i'm lonely because i don't do anything about my loneliness it's a simple as that. it's my fault i'm so down and it's my fault that i have no one around me. shouldn't be a surprise though i've always taken care of myself... this feeling doesn't make any sense...my head is starting to hurt more and i still don't have anything to do, my thoughts are jumping around because it's late and i'm writing as i think so try and keep up if you want. it's not just loneliness that's causing this feeling, it's the feeling of knowing that i'm a nothing. i wake up and do nothing, walk around doing nothing, talk about nothing, think about doing nothing, it's a life of nothing, i am a nothing. but i can't just easily say "i want to die" dying isn't an option for me anymore since i'm here and people have raised me and i have to pay them back... not existing would have been nice...lol i'm less than nothing, i ruin lives...mainly my parent's lives. i was an accident i shouldn't have been born i've known this for a while but this is the first time i think i'm typing it. yeah, and now because of me all my parents do now is argue with eachother and work so that i can do nothing... pathetic...i bet that if i wasn't born they would have gone their seperate ways years ago and prolly grew up a bit more and found people they could both get along well with. yay me for fucking that up. a fuck up from the start and a fuck up all thourout my life. sometimes i'd like to die...but then i think about how i would feel at the moment right before i died...it would be a feeling of regret for all the things i haven't done yet, i should make the most of this life. but a fuck up like me just like to do nothing. everyone else will go on to bigger and better things especially you... i'll still be somewhere doing nothing...afraid to end it all and accept death as my punishment for wasting my life. *shurgs* being dead would suit a nothing like me perfetly anyway nothing i do would matter just like now, no one would pay attention to me just like now, time would go on and i'd be forgotten and i could sit in the afterlife all alone doing nothing without worrying about paying bills and such...or i'd burn in hell for being a nothing and an accident...knowing me i'd end up in hell. i don't want to go, that's the last place i'd want to go... but i haven't lived a good life, all i've done is nothing, kinda funny when i think about it...you live your life knowing that you're worse than nothing only to die and burn for eternity. only me lol. why am i the only one that has no one to support them... am i really that unlikable? am i that much of a pain to be around? sometimes i wonder if life is just one big joke and i'm the punch line lol. i have everything but nothing at the same time. i would like to die...or atleast something close to it...i don't want this feeling anymore, the feeling of being unwanted, abandoned, and alone. it's all so stupid...i won't kill myself because i'm too scared honestly, or is it because i'm brave enough to keep going? both are wrong, i'm probably just too lazy to kill myself like anyhting else i plan to do. i guess that's good. i lost my reason for waking up in the morning again...or come to think of it...i never had one...no i had reasons before but now my life is just full of nothing and no one. meaningless complaints of a meaningless guy this whole entry is stupid sorry if you read it all i know i can't give you the time back. but whatever it's all nothing...pointless words of a pointless person with pointless feelings.

ehhhhh?what's been going on i guess

been chillin alot lately watching the prince of tennis and taking naps in the middle of the day then waking up and watching more prince of tennis. sometimes i hop on a new server i started called darkside RO and run around. i met a nice person on there named Saphire. she plays lotsa different characters and we started talking on msn and iwas telling her how i treat my girlfriend. and she said that my way wouldn't work because people are too complicated. and i thought about it and maybe i am too simple minded. there may be no simple way to make things work but i'd like to believe there is =/. but then again what do i know XD. i dunno what i'm even talking about anymore *sighs* i miss ya babe.

wow my life is ****ed up

yeah,back again but i wish you'd leave comments so i know you're actually reading lol. anyway i found a new reason to hate my life today. my friend had sex right in front of me. yeah it's pretty messed up i know, we were drinking and then we went to my friend's manager's apartment and then they began to do it with our other 2 friends in the bed with them...i was left out only to wait in the living room or watch so i chose to sit on the bed and chill with them talking while they had sex. ****ed up or not?hmm sometimes i wonder if you've forgotten about me or if you even still care. i miss your words of encouragement and love if oyu have forgotten about me i know that i won't recieve anyhting back...it's ok if you don't have time to comment...just keep doing your best but please atleast comment comment this time ><.

feeling better but not the best

yeah i'm feeling lots better than i did when i put in that last post, i forgot to mention i went on a trip with my friends back to their old neighborhood in arkansas(one state over) it took about 5-6 hours driving to get there. it was a pretty small town and we stayed in a motel and got to hike up a mountain, the view was great...it was nice to get away from everything for a while and just chill out. anyways i'm worried about you after reading your last post...i don't know what you're going through and i wanna be there to listen and share your troubles like i should be...and at time i know words aren't enough to make you feel any better. so i try my hardest at all times to think of you and send my love in hopes that it will keep you going. you should be strong and try your best to overcome your bad feelings without hurting yourself. the way you should look at life is that it can always be better and at the same time it can be a hell of alot worse, i think you can make it through i believe in you and you know i love you, so please get well and try and come see me when you're feeling down...i'll try my best to be there for you i miss you...

the usuall part 2:cry more

well lately i've been feeling kinda down, well down doesn't wuite describe it. It's more like a digging feeling that no matter how bad i feel it get's worse and worse. it started at the movies hanging out with my friends and being a fifth wheel on their little outting without even noticing it until we were actually at the movies. the car ride should have been proof enough that the day was going to be nothing but people showing off their happyness while i did nothing but watch and crack stupid jokes about how lonely i was...yeah funny...any way this is part 2, bottom line is lately i've been hating myself. because all i want is to live a nice quiet life not doing anything...i think about a nice quiet place away from everything where i can just sit alone till my days on this earth are over. but that's not how the world works. as a young man i should be out doing thing to enrich my life and give me a way to live comfortably when i'm old. but if i did have that kind of life i'd miss out on alot of the things i want to do in life while i still can...i dunno...i believe that nothing comes to you if you don't work for it...and the thing i want most is to be able to have someoen to talk to when i feel down...i guess it's just loneliness, it's whatever...i go to sleep at night feeling so alone and it's probably because i don't go out much now. now i'll jump off the subject for a second and tell you partly about why i feel this way. it was late at night and we were chillin in front of my house in my friend's car. it was me and 2 of my friends talking about random stuff.one friend calls Jeff on the phone(the guy from the first post in the movies) and Jeff reveals that he is now sleeping with his manager. Jeff is 2 years younger than me, it jsut kinda sux is all...yup same guy that had sex with girlfriend in my bathroom, same guy that "stole" my last girl friend. umong other things...the list in endless...anyway he's the biggest example...well second bigest example of why i feel so useless and lonely. yeah i'm pretty useless...all i do is sit in the house all day and play RO and listen to music. it's all useless...yeah i have you too but i can describe the way i feel right now as the following. Imagine you're trapped in a really hot desert that only gets hotter hotter as time goes by.(yes i know it's hot year round where you live but imagine that it's unbearably hot) let's say that you are a bottle of water that's i always carry with me. but now that you're gone the bottle is empty and it keeps getting harder and harder to stand and keep going. having a bottle of water with no water in it is exactly how i feel...i have you but i can never talk to you and writting here doesn't really make me feel better...i'm useless...

The usuall

today was a typical night out for me. my friend Jeff came over and we played capcom vs snk 2 for about an hour.(i won every match...poor guy)Then our friend Anna came over with her boy friend Angel and we went to the store where we got picked up by Jeff's co worker so we could go watch a movie. and here's the "fun"("fun" meaning bull****) part of the trip, Jeff calls shot gun and leaves me in the back with Angel and Anna(that bastard Jeff) anyway of course they're hugging and kissing and i'm looking out the window hoping they don't drool on me or something.anyway we get to the mall finally and buy tickets after a big hassle over what time we're going to see the movie. that gets settled and we go to the store that Jeff works in and sit in a massage chair(if i didn't love you so much already i might have married the chair <_<).>Anna>Me>Jeff>co-worker.(why me...) well they start going at it AGAIN but this time Anna puts her legs on my lap(troublesome...). so Jeff points out some seats farther up and me him and his co worker move to leave the Double-A's alone. well now the order is Jeff>Me>co-worker. and the movie hasn't started yet so we're joking around. and i'm like, "Damn i wish my woman was here with me ><, i'm the only one who has no one." Jeff goes just look to your right.(co worker is a female) and i continue to say i want my woman.and this continues until she's like fine then switch seats with Jeff. and i was forced from my seat so now the order was me>Jeff>co worker. we went to see 300 the best movie i seen all year or in a while.every now and then i'd look out the corner of my eye to see that the arm rest was lifted between Jeff and his co-worker and that she was leaning on him and at the end they were holding hands.(yeah yeah i know you don't wanna hear it but it goes without saying with all that's going on and what not i was pretty lonely to say the least).the movie ended and we left and Jeff got to drive his co-workers car for a bit until we noticed that the tire was smoking and we were scared it was gonna blow up or something O_O.the fumes made everything funny as we laughed and drove down the road. then we all got dropped off and i was back at my house playing RO and chilling alone in the dark like usuall. being alone ftw(not...)

nothin much

was out with my friends last night. Spencer and Gerardo. and we were talking about all the stuff that happened over the years. nothing very interesting, just about the people we knew and they're downward spirals through drugs and run ins with the cops and junk. and about how they used to be really cool people. messed up, glad i stayed the same throught my life. but meh doesn't matter.what does matter is how ya doin?