I-Forgot About Intamacy and Love

Oh well, here i am yet again with another borig tale of me being pwned in everyday life. oh well, i guess i'll always remember the story... but i'll give a brief over view, we wander around with nothing to do, play pool at UTD (We=J, M,and K) then we go to iHop, yay for pancakes and making me feel left out. don't really care, it's all bull shit, failure builds more, haha 100% fail and no one agrees except people who actually know me...100% fail. who's right and who's wrong no one knows, all i know is that i feel pretty bad, not gonna go away, i love the ability to not have to think about it, would be nice just to go to school and come home and do work everyday, but that's not realistic...i could tell them that i don't wanna go anymore, but that would just cause me to lose friends... but then again if it's that bad wouldn't that be for the best? sounds great to me,i'm fine doing homework bymyself right?

Uninstal life.exe?

Before I start on what's been going on lately, i would like to address the fact that i read over some of my old messages and I was just wondering..."WTF was i thinking?" lol, i actually liked a person so much I pleaded for them in a online blog? really? oh well what's done is done, i kinda forgot it happened and i moved on but wow i wish i had the energy to change em....no point though, gotta keep real records of how i felt and such, you know for the memories and all that junk.

Welp, let's see it's been a while since my last entry...the start of last semester long... anywayz from what i can remember it was an ok semester, my english class was harder than average i think, but i got a B. what made it so hard was the fact that after a while we had 4-5 page writting assignments due EVERY class period and it was tiring. got an A in psychology nothing to say about that class except people can be annoying sometimes. and then there was speech class with Mr.Santos, was a fun class and the people were all nice, my favorite class of the semester in it's material and it's atmosphere. anywayz though enouh of a recap, it's the first post of 2008 and i don't really feal any difference other than the fact that Bush is about to not be president no more, it's gonna be interesting to see the elections, i wonder who i'll vote for (Democrats FTW).well it's 08 and i still feel terrible and down, what did ya expect? inever think to come here when i'm feeling good lol. i took alot of classes this time around (5 for a total of 16 hours) and it's tiring since i don't get alot of time for myself since i'm on campus so much. I think the lack of sleep is contributing to me feeling so bad. i just feel so stuck...nothing i can do when i'm always so exauhsted for no reason...i wish i could sleep through the night...fucking internet...everything just seems so fucked up now. it feels like i hate the world and it hates me back. but i don't know which hate started first... i'm always the one left out and i feel bad that i rely my friends on so much since i'm usually always broke. My only option would be to sit alone, which wouldn't be so bad, but i know what i'd be missing which would hurt worse. I thought about the idea that i'd only be trully happy if i could live completely alone, since i hate dealing with other people so much wouldn't that be better for everyone? i can always dream that i'd be able to do that, but that won't ever happen and i don't think i'll ever learn to associate with others, there's just something about it that i hate...whatever though, can't really think of anything that ouwld make me happy, having my ego satisfied makes me happy, nothing more nothing less, all i care about is myself because myself is really all i have. I complain like there's something wrong but in truth i have mostly everything anyone could ever want and it's not enough, not the best and not the worst. even thought i often feel like the worst since i can't perform on par with the best fucked up ain't it? i'm strong enough to survive on my own but i complain because there is no one that can help in a way that i'd accept. no one can help, I am all alone and it's something i face everyday, "I always look forward as i move ahead in lfe because there's no one by my side." that's the jist of it...there's no point in me taking my eyes off my objective even if it's far off into the distance, other people my dislike me for it and maybe for good reason? don't know and i'm hoping the day comes soon where i can say i don't care and truly mean it. I don't feel like changing the way i am, i'm not all that bad to be around really i don't think, but even if i continue to fail, stummble and fall on my way to my goal...yeah, i'd quit trying more before i continued to fail...but hopefully i'll make it... never saying a word, and getting by haiting the world that rejects me while i sit in loneliness. atleast i'll be a lonely man with lotsa money hopefully... i want my dreams to come true and i hope they do, well atleast i made them a goal and not just wish. someday soon. well for now i guess i'll my life.exe's tast running, no point in terminating it myself lol, i wanna live a reasonably long time...but the loneliness might make me feel immortal.

A Loser Offline is a Loser Online

Another weekend full of running around with my friends, i never realized how much i missed hanging out with them over the time was online doing stuff like War of emperium and leveling. it's nice to go out on the weekends instead of staying in the house. we went to 2 malls of over the weekend the first one is the one we always go to called Firewheel mall. We went to eat cause we were hungry so we went to a sandwich place. My freind strikes up a random conversation with the person taking our order which happens to be a cute girl about our age. It's so goofy and all i can doo is put my head down,put my hand on my head and shake my head at him, but of course she's smiling and talking back to him. i wish i could do stuff like that, but i'm too awkward.No point in making excuses, when ever i'm with my friends and their females all i can say is "i hate my life" but i say it more like i'm singing so they think i'm kidding, i get a cheap laugh and remind everyone i exist...it used to get funnier cause i would have a box cutter on my keychain and i would make the motion of my cutting myself,funny...but my dad took it as i noticed in the sandwich place as my friends and i ate,do i used my key to add to the visual effect...once again...funny. It really sux sometimes being in my group and not being able to participate in the conversation because the closest i've come to girl physically in about...4 years is walking past them in the mall...sad. it'd be nice sometimes to just be able to have decent conversation skills or something, even if i did have them i'd still move in my awkward way and still be all alone except for being surrounded by people that are leaving me farther and farther behind everyday. That's how i'mma loser offline,an awkward guy who can't do anything but turn and walk away or end up embarrassing myself for even trying, italways happens,prolly always will happen. you might think"You don't know everything, you have to try before you know you're going to fail" Wrong, fairy tail sayings don't work in real life,i know i'll fail simply because it's the way i am, i don't know what's wrong with me or how to fix it, but even if there is something wrong i wouldn't change it simply because people dislike me, then i'd be like the kind of person i dilike,changing with the time because others do it and it's convienient, i guess i'll go to bed alone,wake up alone, sit back down here again and let go of my lonliness for a while tommorow.How does this translate into me being a loser Online too? i fail at most things i try to do here too, it feels like everything i do for fun here i suck at/get owned/completely and totally don't grasp at all. it's all failure, it's annoying.my situation reminds me of a song...

Still Not Keeping My Word

Took my Accuplacer test today got some nice scores on the regular stuff but failed the college level algebra horribly like i thought i would. so i can either take a developmental math class at the cost of my money and time or a second option of taking the test again, i personally prefer the second choice. taking the class would cost 117$ and retaking the test is 10$. but still that test raped me hardcore i just started to guess in the middle cause i knew i was gonna fail. got my classes after about a 6 hour day of testing and waiting.3 hours of tetsing and about 2 and half hours of waiting to sit with an advisor for 15 minutes. i saw some familiar faces though, 1 girl especially i was glad to see although at first i was scared of her. i was walking back to the registration hall after i had finished my test and i was looking down and thinking like i often do when i see a pair of legs in short shorts walking towards me,me being as scared of females as i am,i begin to get out of the way and continue looking at the ground until i glance up and see the legs directly in front of me and so i try desperately in a last ditch effort to move to other side of the walkway trying to avoid contact when we meet she finally talks to me with a "hey greg!" in a voice that's all too familiar. she used to live in my apartment complex *sighs* she's a beautiful girl there's no doubt, but i'm too much of a weird guy to have a chance with her, i guess she wouldn't even consider me...i'm an awkward clumsy guy,it's annoying.... anyways after i got my classes i was going home to think about how to get money for them and i looked at the paper to see when the money was due;and to my surprise and dismay it was due THAT VERY DAY. so i went back in and handed over 240$ for my classes and i will have to drop biology because it costs 156$ alone and i need to buy books.i heard that the psycology book was 100$ i pray to god that's not true. that's the highlighr of my day since i'm starting school maybe i'll update more frequently whenever something fun or exciting happens. c ya round my captive audience of 1-4 people.

I Never Keep My Word

I said i wouldn't write here again after what happened but i keep thinking about how you asked me why i never write anymore. ya prolly dun remember saying it to me,and why would ya? XD. but anyways i just felt like writing about junk that's going on about to take my acuplacer test tommrow morning.(it's 2 am now i should sleep soon but not like i can pass anyway. atleast the math that is...) so i'm just gonna try and hope for the best. going for a bioology major, i wanna be a researcher that studys cancer, i don't know much about it but i figure i'm young so if i start early maybe i can make a big difference in my life time ya know. nothing much to tell besides that. well besides my random outbursts of "I hate my life~" when i'm around my friends, i'm so far behind them they're in school and have jobs ang females like them... and then there's me who has nothing to show since i've been practically dead for 2 years. i hate it...20 still acting like i'm 15 XD. sad eh? anyways. my mind is jumbbled right now still haven't solved the problem i asked you about earlier. i'm a terrible person i guess. fuck,it's all pointless,nothing i'm doing right now has a point...playing video games sleeping all day it's all junk. but then again i am just a dreamer huh?

FUCKING SHIT

i'm too busy because of school to come online...i'm sorry for being a fucking bother to you.you won't have to worry about me talking to you anymore i'm fucking done. sorry for acting like i stalker i guess fucking bullshit.

haha why can't i die?

*shrug* can't sleep, my head hurts from thinking too much and i don't feel like doing anything(my main problem in life) i'm sick of complaining when i have nothing to complain about but i still do it anyway.Sad about being lonely?(pffft, whatever it's just an excuse to feel bad i should be able to get over it) i can't seem to get over it, it's stupid,writing about how i feel doesn't help change anything it just let's me vent until the feelings come back and flood over me again. There shouldn't be any feelings like this in the first place, i'm lonely because i don't do anything about my loneliness it's a simple as that. it's my fault i'm so down and it's my fault that i have no one around me. shouldn't be a surprise though i've always taken care of myself... this feeling doesn't make any sense...my head is starting to hurt more and i still don't have anything to do, my thoughts are jumping around because it's late and i'm writing as i think so try and keep up if you want. it's not just loneliness that's causing this feeling, it's the feeling of knowing that i'm a nothing. i wake up and do nothing, walk around doing nothing, talk about nothing, think about doing nothing, it's a life of nothing, i am a nothing. but i can't just easily say "i want to die" dying isn't an option for me anymore since i'm here and people have raised me and i have to pay them back... not existing would have been nice...lol i'm less than nothing, i ruin lives...mainly my parent's lives. i was an accident i shouldn't have been born i've known this for a while but this is the first time i think i'm typing it. yeah, and now because of me all my parents do now is argue with eachother and work so that i can do nothing... pathetic...i bet that if i wasn't born they would have gone their seperate ways years ago and prolly grew up a bit more and found people they could both get along well with. yay me for fucking that up. a fuck up from the start and a fuck up all thourout my life. sometimes i'd like to die...but then i think about how i would feel at the moment right before i died...it would be a feeling of regret for all the things i haven't done yet, i should make the most of this life. but a fuck up like me just like to do nothing. everyone else will go on to bigger and better things especially you... i'll still be somewhere doing nothing...afraid to end it all and accept death as my punishment for wasting my life. *shurgs* being dead would suit a nothing like me perfetly anyway nothing i do would matter just like now, no one would pay attention to me just like now, time would go on and i'd be forgotten and i could sit in the afterlife all alone doing nothing without worrying about paying bills and such...or i'd burn in hell for being a nothing and an accident...knowing me i'd end up in hell. i don't want to go, that's the last place i'd want to go... but i haven't lived a good life, all i've done is nothing, kinda funny when i think about it...you live your life knowing that you're worse than nothing only to die and burn for eternity. only me lol. why am i the only one that has no one to support them... am i really that unlikable? am i that much of a pain to be around? sometimes i wonder if life is just one big joke and i'm the punch line lol. i have everything but nothing at the same time. i would like to die...or atleast something close to it...i don't want this feeling anymore, the feeling of being unwanted, abandoned, and alone. it's all so stupid...i won't kill myself because i'm too scared honestly, or is it because i'm brave enough to keep going? both are wrong, i'm probably just too lazy to kill myself like anyhting else i plan to do. i guess that's good. i lost my reason for waking up in the morning again...or come to think of it...i never had one...no i had reasons before but now my life is just full of nothing and no one. meaningless complaints of a meaningless guy this whole entry is stupid sorry if you read it all i know i can't give you the time back. but whatever it's all nothing...pointless words of a pointless person with pointless feelings.