Friday, March 30, 2007

wow my life is ****ed up

yeah,back again but i wish you'd leave comments so i know you're actually reading lol. anyway i found a new reason to hate my life today. my friend had sex right in front of me. yeah it's pretty messed up i know, we were drinking and then we went to my friend's manager's apartment and then they began to do it with our other 2 friends in the bed with them...i was left out only to wait in the living room or watch so i chose to sit on the bed and chill with them talking while they had sex. ****ed up or not?hmm sometimes i wonder if you've forgotten about me or if you even still care. i miss your words of encouragement and love if oyu have forgotten about me i know that i won't recieve anyhting back...it's ok if you don't have time to comment...just keep doing your best but please atleast comment comment this time ><.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

feeling better but not the best

yeah i'm feeling lots better than i did when i put in that last post, i forgot to mention i went on a trip with my friends back to their old neighborhood in arkansas(one state over) it took about 5-6 hours driving to get there. it was a pretty small town and we stayed in a motel and got to hike up a mountain, the view was great...it was nice to get away from everything for a while and just chill out. anyways i'm worried about you after reading your last post...i don't know what you're going through and i wanna be there to listen and share your troubles like i should be...and at time i know words aren't enough to make you feel any better. so i try my hardest at all times to think of you and send my love in hopes that it will keep you going. you should be strong and try your best to overcome your bad feelings without hurting yourself. the way you should look at life is that it can always be better and at the same time it can be a hell of alot worse, i think you can make it through i believe in you and you know i love you, so please get well and try and come see me when you're feeling down...i'll try my best to be there for you i miss you...

Friday, March 23, 2007

the usuall part 2:cry more

well lately i've been feeling kinda down, well down doesn't wuite describe it. It's more like a digging feeling that no matter how bad i feel it get's worse and worse. it started at the movies hanging out with my friends and being a fifth wheel on their little outting without even noticing it until we were actually at the movies. the car ride should have been proof enough that the day was going to be nothing but people showing off their happyness while i did nothing but watch and crack stupid jokes about how lonely i was...yeah funny...any way this is part 2, bottom line is lately i've been hating myself. because all i want is to live a nice quiet life not doing anything...i think about a nice quiet place away from everything where i can just sit alone till my days on this earth are over. but that's not how the world works. as a young man i should be out doing thing to enrich my life and give me a way to live comfortably when i'm old. but if i did have that kind of life i'd miss out on alot of the things i want to do in life while i still can...i dunno...i believe that nothing comes to you if you don't work for it...and the thing i want most is to be able to have someoen to talk to when i feel down...i guess it's just loneliness, it's whatever...i go to sleep at night feeling so alone and it's probably because i don't go out much now. now i'll jump off the subject for a second and tell you partly about why i feel this way. it was late at night and we were chillin in front of my house in my friend's car. it was me and 2 of my friends talking about random stuff.one friend calls Jeff on the phone(the guy from the first post in the movies) and Jeff reveals that he is now sleeping with his manager. Jeff is 2 years younger than me, it jsut kinda sux is all...yup same guy that had sex with girlfriend in my bathroom, same guy that "stole" my last girl friend. umong other things...the list in endless...anyway he's the biggest example...well second bigest example of why i feel so useless and lonely. yeah i'm pretty useless...all i do is sit in the house all day and play RO and listen to music. it's all useless...yeah i have you too but i can describe the way i feel right now as the following. Imagine you're trapped in a really hot desert that only gets hotter hotter as time goes by.(yes i know it's hot year round where you live but imagine that it's unbearably hot) let's say that you are a bottle of water that's i always carry with me. but now that you're gone the bottle is empty and it keeps getting harder and harder to stand and keep going. having a bottle of water with no water in it is exactly how i feel...i have you but i can never talk to you and writting here doesn't really make me feel better...i'm useless...

Saturday, March 10, 2007

The usuall

today was a typical night out for me. my friend Jeff came over and we played capcom vs snk 2 for about an hour.(i won every match...poor guy)Then our friend Anna came over with her boy friend Angel and we went to the store where we got picked up by Jeff's co worker so we could go watch a movie. and here's the "fun"("fun" meaning bull****) part of the trip, Jeff calls shot gun and leaves me in the back with Angel and Anna(that bastard Jeff) anyway of course they're hugging and kissing and i'm looking out the window hoping they don't drool on me or something.anyway we get to the mall finally and buy tickets after a big hassle over what time we're going to see the movie. that gets settled and we go to the store that Jeff works in and sit in a massage chair(if i didn't love you so much already i might have married the chair <_<).>Anna>Me>Jeff>co-worker.(why me...) well they start going at it AGAIN but this time Anna puts her legs on my lap(troublesome...). so Jeff points out some seats farther up and me him and his co worker move to leave the Double-A's alone. well now the order is Jeff>Me>co-worker. and the movie hasn't started yet so we're joking around. and i'm like, "Damn i wish my woman was here with me ><, i'm the only one who has no one." Jeff goes just look to your right.(co worker is a female) and i continue to say i want my woman.and this continues until she's like fine then switch seats with Jeff. and i was forced from my seat so now the order was me>Jeff>co worker. we went to see 300 the best movie i seen all year or in a while.every now and then i'd look out the corner of my eye to see that the arm rest was lifted between Jeff and his co-worker and that she was leaning on him and at the end they were holding hands.(yeah yeah i know you don't wanna hear it but it goes without saying with all that's going on and what not i was pretty lonely to say the least).the movie ended and we left and Jeff got to drive his co-workers car for a bit until we noticed that the tire was smoking and we were scared it was gonna blow up or something O_O.the fumes made everything funny as we laughed and drove down the road. then we all got dropped off and i was back at my house playing RO and chilling alone in the dark like usuall. being alone ftw(not...)

Thursday, March 8, 2007

nothin much

was out with my friends last night. Spencer and Gerardo. and we were talking about all the stuff that happened over the years. nothing very interesting, just about the people we knew and they're downward spirals through drugs and run ins with the cops and junk. and about how they used to be really cool people. messed up, glad i stayed the same throught my life. but meh doesn't matter.what does matter is how ya doin?